Most of us can identify something about our behaviour that we would like to change. We may want to listen better, become less defensive, speak up more often, respond more calmly under pressure or stop avoiding difficult conversations. Recognising the behaviour, however, is usually easier than changing it. Gerard Egan, whose work on interpersonal effectiveness has influenced counselling, coaching and development, offers a useful way of understanding this process. At its simplest, behavioural change involves three broad movements: exploring our current behaviour, gaining new perspectives and acting differently.
Start with What You Actually Do
We often describe our development needs in abstractions. *I need to be more assertive. I should become a better listener. I need to control my emotions.* These may be valid intentions, but they are difficult to act upon because they do not describe what we actually do. Egan’s starting point is exploration. Before attempting change, we need to examine our behaviour in specific situations. What do I do when someone challenges my opinion? How do I respond when a colleague disappoints me? What happens when I disagree with someone more senior? This also requires recognising what already works. Someone may remain exceptionally calm during a genuine crisis but become impatient over relatively minor mistakes. Another person may comfortably challenge senior colleagues but avoid difficult conversations with members of their own team. The more precisely we understand the behaviour and the situations that trigger it, the more workable change becomes.
See Yourself through Other People’s Eyes
The next step is gaining new perspectives, because we experience our behaviour from the inside while other people experience its impact. A manager who believes she is being demanding may be experienced as intimidating. Someone who considers himself thoughtful may be perceived as hesitant. A leader who believes he gives people considerable freedom may discover that his frequent questions feel like interference. This is why Egan places considerable importance on feedback. People around us can often see patterns that are difficult for us to recognise ourselves. Their perceptions are not necessarily objective truth, but they provide information that our own perspective cannot.
It is also useful to understand why an unwanted behaviour persists. Behaviours frequently provide some immediate benefit. Avoiding disagreement may protect us from conflict. Taking over work from others may reduce our anxiety about quality. Remaining silent in a contentious meeting may protect our reputation. Becoming aggressive may restore a sense of control. Egan emphasises recognising the benefits that can come from changing behaviour. I would add another question: “What am I getting from behaving the way I currently do?” Unless we understand what the existing behaviour provides, we may underestimate why it keeps returning.
Develop Alternatives and Try Them
Awareness becomes useful when it allows us to see that our habitual response is not the only one available. Someone who normally withdraws during disagreement can learn to stay engaged without becoming aggressive. A manager who instinctively provides answers can experiment with asking questions. Someone who becomes defensive when receiving feedback can learn to remain curious long enough to understand what the other person is seeing. Egan’s emphasis on interpersonal skills is important here because alternatives help only when we have the capability and confidence to use them. Behavioural flexibility is not about replacing one rigid style with another. It is about developing a wider repertoire and learning which response works best in a particular situation.
New behaviour will initially feel unfamiliar and sometimes artificial, which is why experimentation and feedback matter. Someone trying to become more assertive might deliberately express disagreement in a meeting and observe the response. A manager who tends to dominate conversations might ask questions before offering a view. Someone who avoids difficult feedback might prepare for one conversation, try a different approach and reflect afterwards on what happened. Thinking of these as experiments is useful because we do not have to get the new behaviour right immediately. We try something, observe its impact, obtain feedback and adjust.
Change Has to Survive Real Life
The final part of Egan’s approach is transferring what has been learned into everyday life. This is where many development efforts fall short. A workshop can create awareness, a coaching conversation can provide insight, feedback can reveal a pattern and a psychometric assessment can help us understand ourselves differently. None of these, by themselves, constitute behavioural change. The real test comes when the familiar situation returns. When someone challenges us again, do we respond differently? When pressure increases, does the old behaviour return? When nobody is observing or reminding us, can we still make a different choice?
Egan’s framework is valuable because it treats behavioural change as a process rather than a moment of insight. We understand what we currently do, see ourselves through additional perspectives, recognise the benefits that may be keeping an old behaviour alive, develop alternatives, experiment with them and gradually transfer what works into everyday situations. **The objective is not simply to understand ourselves better, but to increase the choices available to us when familiar situations arise.
Acknowledgement: This article draws on the work of Gerard Egan on interpersonal effectiveness and behavioural change, particularly his emphasis on exploration, new perspectives, action, feedback, experimentation and transferring learning into everyday behaviour.
